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Thursday, March 14, 2013

Things aren't what you think

A Little More of the Story

            What the Hell?  Did I really just hear what I think I did? Derrik is advising his friends to find fat girls because they are easy?  “Fat girls will do anything for you in bed,” he told them.  All this time I thought we were engaging in mutual respect and love in both the physical realm and the emotional realm and that asshole is telling people who I despise about “banging that fat pussy until she cried and them making her take some more."  First of all I hate the “P” word it’s like when people use it they are referring to something and not a person at all, as if a vagina is the defining factor of a person.  Derrik knows I feel this way, he promised he never used that word and that it creeped him out too.  So much for that, I wonder what other lies he’s fed me and I’ve believed like some dumb insect flying into flame to its death.

            Kyle, is now laughing about a sexual experience between Derrik and I that I believed was sacred.  I thought that Derrik and I had something beyond the stories passed around the locker room.  Kayla and Jessie always made fun of me for being na├»ve. They always said all guys were the same.  Like an idiot, I would say, “Good thing Derrik is a man."  What the hell?  I told them they were silly for chasing after Kyle.  Kyle, the quarterback at a school that hasn’t won but one football game in two seasons.  Kyle who made fun of any girl dumb enough to spread her legs for him.  Kyle who was dumber than a sack of bricks.  Kyle who treated my friends like servants and only flirting with them when no one was looking.  Making fun of  them, saying how he wouldn’t stick his dick in them, unless maybe he was drunk.  He would say I might get drunk enough to stick' em one night, but I’ll probably just let ’em  suck it. 

            Did he say this to them? No.  He would say it in the lunch line.  I don’t acknowledge his existence so he says these things in front of me thinking that I can’t hear.  Maybe he just thinks no one would believe me.  I made the mistake of telling Jessie and Kayla what he said….once.  They didn’t talk to me for 6 weeks.  I ended up apologizing to them for “misunderstanding” what their “friend” had said.  They were sure he didn’t mean anything by it and I should stop judging him.  I remember thinking “I’ll take care of myself before I’ll end up with a person who would think like that about me."  I didn’t understand the appeal.  Well, who is the idiot now?  Me, that’s who.  Looks like I found someone more despicable than Kyle.

            At least you know who you’re getting with Kyle.  He’s an ass, I don’t know why, but girls love him for it. Derrik is a little dorky and adorable under those coke bottle glasses.  Now I was like, that’s what you want in a man.  Here we are at the Sonic on a Friday night and Derrik is talking to Kyle, who I thought Derrik hated.  While I’m in the restroom Derrik is taking the opportunity to the “in-crowd” guys, Kyle is obviously their leader.  What for?  Derrik has been humiliated by those guys since 2nd grade when he acquired his coke bottle glasses.  Now here he is laying out our sex life, MY sex life out in front of these assholes for their entertainment.  I suppose he forgot that not only does his voice carry, but when he is talking all other things disappear.  I heard at least 5 minutes of the conversation before they realized I was standing behind him.  Did his new buddies tell him I was there?  No, they just let him go on and on.

            Well, what do I do was all I was thinking.  I didn’t know so I just got in my car and went home.  On the drive back I came up with all sorts of things I should have done or said.  I should have called him an ass and told him he was never getting any from me ever again.  I should have smacked him like people do in the movies.  I should have done a lot of things.  I didn’t though.  I just went home.  I cried.  I was angry, but more than that I was hurt.  The betrayal cut deep, even now where I think about it I am horrified and ashamed.

            I’ve never thought of killing myself until these past two days…  Derrik has called, but I don’t have anything to say to him.  How could he?  We were connected. I know about how people made fun of him his whole life because he didn’t have a circumcised penis.  Even pre-school teachers would comment about how funny it looked.  I didn’t care…  He knows about all my quirks, and I didn’t think he cared.  Now the whole school knows, I like rough sex… Fantasic.  I just can’t wait until Monday. 

            I’m already an outcast with two friends, also outcasts.  I’m even a bit outcasted from them, due to my lack of interest in; the football team, makeup, hair, clothing accessories, and of course god.  Not that I’ve told them I don’t believe in god, they just know that I’ve never asked forgiveness for any of my so called sins and that I don’t intend to. I don’t think I’ve done anything to be forgiven for.  I’m a mammal, and I act like one.  I have a theory that if people were supposed to act like something else, god should have made us whatever that is. 

            I don’t know how to feel.  I just feel numb.  Mom is worried about me because I haven’t left my room other than to use the restroom or go to the kitchen since Friday night.  I’ve heard that some people can’t eat when they are upset.  I eat, a lot.  I get satisfaction from salty snacks especially chips and dip.  If something is going into my mouth I’m not thinking about what’s going wrong in my life.  I’ve never confessed this to anyone, but I’ve eaten an entire bag of chips and an entire container of ranch dip in one sitting…  Maybe more.  I don’t know how much I’ve eaten since…..That night.

            I know some people would have called their friends, and maybe that’s what I should do, but I am too humiliated to say the words out loud.  They have tried to tell me Derrik is just another guy, and I didn’t believe them.  I didn’t think men and women were that different, but I suppose I was wrong very wrong.  I don’t know how to live in a world that makes me desire the company of a man, but only produces men who think of me as a vagina and nothing else.

            Wow, my stomach is bloated.  Now I’m physically miserable and emotionally miserable…Shit.  Okay now what, if I quit eating, I’m going to have to come to terms with what happened and I’m not ready to do that. I don’t want to hear my Mom say “Isabell, are you okay in there?” one more time.  I am not telling her or anyone else about this.  No matter how many times I tell her “I’m fine," she just won’t leave me in peace.  She’ll want to fix it, and it isn’t like I can tell her the whole truth anyway.  If she found out I wasn’t a virgin it would be the end of world as we know it.  Apparently if you have sex prior to marriage you will never marry and spend eternity in hell.  This does not concern my mother nearly to the extent of what her siblings will think or the preacher.  Nope, not breathing a word to her.

            Okay, I’ve only done this a couple times and it was awful, but anything is better than thinking about Friday night for another minute.  I can do it.  Yes, alright, to the bathroom to vomit.  Oh god this is gonna be gross, but as bloated as I feel I have to get rid of what’s in me, and this is cheaper than ex-laxx not to mention I hate the way you can’t control when things come out when you purge by ex-laxx.  Thankfully Mom’s room is upstairs so the chances of her hearing  me and thinking it’s time to go to the ER are low.  On the other hand she has been nosy since I didn’t go anywhere all day, and it is Saturday.  If I wait until 6:00pm the news will be on, and she won’t miss that. Okay, so now what do I do until 6:00pm?

            I shall watch something on one of the six channels we have.  I haven’t figured out why TV is evil, but we can still have one, so long as we don’t have satellite or cable.  Tracey used to get so upset about the TV situation…  Tracey is my sister, and I don’t care what anyone has to say about it.  If you wonder why someone would say my older sister isn’t my sister, it’s because we are supposed to be shunning her.   She defied “the family” or actually embarrassed everyone in front of the church after she began going to community college, and the church basically forced my Mother to kick her out of the house and pretend she doesn’t exist.  She is the only person I have ever truly been able to trust, and now she is just gone.n Mom and I aren’t even supposed to mention her.  I know mom didn’t throw her pictures out though.  We were supposed to, but I found all the pictures that had been removed from the wall under Mom’s bed in a box.  It was a relief to see that the church doesn’t have total control…

            Okay we have Fox 5, and it generally comes in clearer than the other channels.  It does in my room anyway.  You would think that people living in the year 2013 would have access to basic cable, but no, we don’t.  We were one of the last hold outs to get that box that converts TVs to the new digital format.  I don’t know what that means, but I know that without the box we would get no TV.  It may sound crazy but if I were to lose these 6 channels it would be detrimental to my mental health.  I love to read but the TV feels like someone else is around.  I have it on even while I’m reading and doing homework to combat the loneliness.  It’s been really lonely around here since Tracey isn’t here.

            There are three of us living in the house Me, Mom, and William.  William is my step-dad, and really we just try to avoid one another.  He doesn’t like me, and I don’t like him, but we both seem to love my mom, and for her sake we have managed to make it the past ten years by avoiding conversation at all cost.  He hated Tracey worse than he hates me because she would tell him in a heartbeat that he wasn’t her dad and never would be.  I was only six when Mom married him, but Tracey was fourteen.  Mom had hoped he would help get her “under control”, but if anything she was more determined than ever to leave this place.  It’s not that I don’t understand why she left.  I just wish she would have taken me too.

            Well, I suppose the good thing about thinking about Tracey is I wasn’t thinking about Derrik.  Shit, I really don’t have a single person in the world I feel connected to.  I wish it were warmer out.  This is the one time of year when there isn’t much to do in the garden…  The goats aren’t producing milk so I can’t occupy my time with cheese making.  The goats, I will go check on the goats.  I almost forgot about that excuse to remain in solitude.  It’s a bit chilly so they will probably be in the barn.  Goats are about the most self-sufficient livestock you can have, which is why we have them.  I can always make sure none of them need any wound care ect.  It will take up a couple hours until 6:00 anyway.  I could just upchuck out here, but in case there is something in it that can make the dogs or the goats sick I will refrain.

            The only thing about living in this area that really doesn’t suck is that we have all the critters.  They are my pets, even if Mom and William say that these animals aren’t pets.  I know on a farm sometimes you eat them but, we’re not going to eat the dog or the cats.  Mom and William say even the dog and the cats are here to work and nothing more.  If it doesn’t have a purpose it’s not on the property according to those two.  I haven’t figured out why they let me stay because they always say I spend too much time in my books to do any work.  I think they keep me around because they really wouldn’t have any of the animals if we didn’t have to have them to eat. 

            We have 20 chickens and I love keeping and raising them.  The chickens are pretty well mine, they were the first thing I learned to care for.  Thankfully my grandma taught me.  Mom knows how to feed and water them, but she can’t figure them out like Granny could. Granny would know if the rooster wasn’t up to his job and that’s why the chickens were acting even dumber than usual.  If Mom has to collect the eggs, she dresses like she is going into a war zone.  She makes the chickens uncomfortable, and they do peck her.  If you just go in and do what you have to do, the chickens will leave you alone.  They pick up on your energy, and Mom is terrified of them, and it makes them crazy.  Needless to say, she is more than happy to let me take care of them.  They are in a coop that is really pretty big.  It’s 10x10x10 with roosting boxes in about half of it.  Everything in it is where you don’t have to bend down to clean or collect eggs, so I don’t get why it is such a big deal.

            It’s cold so there aren’t any eggs to collect, and I’ve cleaned the coop already today.  Spending time with the goats is really the only chore to occupy my time now.  I’ll check and see if any of them look wormy and see how the pregnant does are doing.  They get a bit of grain to make sure they are able to maintain body fat through the winter.  You really don’t have to feed goats that much which is one reason we raise them.  I love these girls, little Nigerian dwarf goats.  They are both good for milking and for meat.  I’m not as fond of Jeb, the Billy goat, he smells and is pretty well an asshole. We have to keep him in a pen alone and away from the house.  I feel bad for him, but he seems to be okay with the situation. 

            Okay let me check the time, 5:45.  This is a good time to make my way back to the house.  By the time I get my muck boots off, coveralls hung up and spend a couple minutes warming up, Mom and William will be watching the news and finding out how the world is coming apart at the seams tonight.  The news is the scariest thing on television in my opinion, why they want me to watch it is just confusing.  I’m not allowed to watch anything else with that much killing in it.  

            The bulk of the potato chips are still making me feel ill and I have to get rid of them.  I hate this part, but there is no more putting it off.  I am so glad I have my own bathroom.  I miss Tracey, but she would have had fits over this, and there would have been no hiding it.  She got her nosiness from our Mom, without a doubt.  I know that bulimics are able to just throw up easy, but for me this is a big deal.  I use my finger to gag myself, and I never manage to vomit without getting it on either my clothes or in my hair.  This is the third time I’ve done this, and the thought horrifies me, but I have to get these chips out of me.  Okay the best strategy is to pull my shoulder length hair into a ponytail or in a messy bun.  Okay messy, cheater bun it is. The end of my ponytail may still get vomit in it.  This time I’m going to take my shirt off first.  Okay here we go finger in. And no vomit I just choked myself, for nothing, but my eyes are watering.  God, why do I do this to myself?  Okay and why does the toilet have a line in it?  I clean it and clean it again because when you’re vomiting you are literally bowing before it. 

            Okay finger in and goddamnit, only a chips worth of vomit, and it came out my nose.  Okay this is disgusting.  I’ve got to remember to eat for depression closer to the time of purging it.  Maybe I should go to Leela’s church.  Their preacher gives them something to purge their sins that makes you vomit like crazy. You purge your body and soul at the same time.  I’ve never been much of a Christian, but maybe I should take God more seriously.  This purging just food is hard.  Okay finger in again and vomit everywhere.  It’s all over my hand, on the outside of the toilet, damn this is gross. 

            Okay wow, that was worth it.  I feel so much lighter.  The feeling right after getting rid of depression eating is pure joy.  For these few moments, life is good.  I’ll clean up in a minute, but now I’m going to enjoy this feeling of lightness.   I know this is crazy, but I see how people become bulimic. I bet it is for this feeling.  I am not dedicated enough. I only do this when I eat like crazy, and that’s not a lot.  It is too much work and stress to do it all the time, but when something like Derrik happens, it does make life easier to cope with.

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